COLORBLIND OPTIONS: WHY IT’S HARD FOR ME TO DATE INTERRACIALLY

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“I commend those who can do so.”


Living in New York City, you become accustomed to seeing interracial relationships. But me myself, I have never been in one. Not because I am not attracted to a woman of another group, but because of the social strain. To those that are able to do so, more power to them. Yet I have not been able to muster up the courage and date someone non-Black. And that choice is because it is easier dating someone within your ethnic group than outside. It’s not how I was raised growing up, but my mother also let me know the reality of doing so. Date who you want, but this is what comes with it. Didn’t make sense to me until I stepped into society and saw it with my own eyes.

When you see how people behave, it is very uncomfortable. And when I say react, I don’t mean stop and stare. I mean the actions of an individual that places me in a weird situation. As much as we say it’s none of people’s business, that doesn’t sink in that your life could be at risk. Dumb as it may sound, there are men compelled to react just by me being on a date with a woman from their group. And what is the woman to do; nothing. She can call for help, but physically she is at a disadvantage. Now, all of this sounds crazy, and to be honest it is. But when in that situation, it must be very hurtful. As for me, I have never been in that position, and to be honest I wouldn’t want to be. But what can you really do; nothing.

That is one aspect of dating interracial I couldn’t handle. But another is the parental/family aspect. There was a fashion model who not long ago opened up about her relationship to a Black man and what her family thought about it. They refused to communicate with him. Almost as if he weren’t standing in the room. But eventually they accepted him into the family. I couldn’t deal in an environment like that. If you can’t accept me for other more serious reasons, then yes, but not racial. And by me playing into you I am feeding the fire. But to him it must have been worth it, because him and this model are married now.

So in the end, to some it’s worth it, but not so much for others. To have to go through the strain of having to defend yourself constantly can work against you. And if you are with someone that could cost you a friendship, family, and even jobs, is tough to accept. We can’t hide the fact that it exist, and I don’t see the problem going away anytime soon. But until it does, this is just a reality.


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PARENTLESS BOND: WHY MEN’S ATTACHMENT WITH KIDS ISN’T THE SAME AS WOMEN

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“Her bond is different than our bond.”


When a woman is pregnant, there is a bond she creates with her child that no man is able to understand. The following link is of a video of a woman right after giving birth with her child exemplifying that bond between mother and child. (https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/1317955175012988/) And I have always wondered, why don’t men have the same bond with the kid that the mother has. It’s because of human nature. But then I also began to think a little deeper as it pertains to fatherhood. And I have asked myself a question. When observing the human species as a mammal, were men meant to be in the lives of children? Was that evolution’s goal was to create an attachment? Or is being a father a human construct?

Because as a man, we have to build a relationship with that kid. Moms immediately have that bond because the baby grows inside of her. So the bond is more pure than with a man. That’s why when a woman leaves her child, it can be more hurtful than the father. But once again, does nature create these boundaries or do people have a hand in how we have relationships with children. In my opinion, I think it’s a little bit of both. We are very much dictated by social norms, yet nature is still there lingering. So what does this all mean regarding who we are as a species. And to narrow it down, I mean as men. Will there ever come a time where we will have that same connection?

And yes, I know as time goes on, children recognize us and we eventually become dad. But why does this exist. Because our biological attachment happens in the very very beginning. So by the time the human is fully created, we have no real attachment except for the creation of that human. But, I will say, there is something quite emotional once that kid arrives. There is a level of attachment that father has for that kid. The kid does not quite understand it, but the parent understands the importance of the parental-kid relationship. And that has a lot to do with our conscious as people.

And in the end, our consciousness gives us the ability to make sound decisions. And that decision is being there for your child. Other creatures in the wild generally let there children go at a far younger age than humans. But with the conscious we are given we stick around and raise them until we feel they have reached an appropriate age to leave the house. And without that, humanity most likely would not have lasted as long as we have lasted. Hopefully as time progress, we’ll find out more about ourselves.


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GONE TOO SOON: HOW LOSING SOMEONE WHO IS YOUNG MAKES YOU LOOK AT LIFE CLOSER

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“Here one minute and gone the next.”


No one wants to think of the day in which they will no longer be here on Earth. We dread that moment, but it won’t even be something we realize. We will just be gone, and that’s it. But our family and friends will hopefully make sure our name stays around forever. And another aspect of living and dying we hope is the belief that we will make it to a great age. I recently saw a post on my Facebook where someone I knew through passing, died this week. Only in his late twenties, it can shake you up when you hear this type of tragedy. Because I am abut to be thirty years old next month. And you never know when that day will be your last.

No one wants to think about that day especially when you’re young. We have all these visions of our lives once we reach an old age. We all hope that someone will be with us when we do pass along. But no one is ready to experience being told they only have a small time on this planet in their twenties. There are even people who die at younger ages. When you hear about a teenager dying it’s even more tragic. But what tends to be more shocking is once you find out how someone has died. Anytime I hear of a young person dying of natural causes, it always blows my mind. Especially if the person was around my age. You think to yourself, we are the same age and just passed unexpected. What is that about? How did that transpire?

It’s for those reasons we have a sense of urgency in life. So that whenever we do pass along, whatever we have done up to this point meant something. And that is something that terrifies people as much as dying. Which is dying and not even achieving close to what it is you set out to accomplish. There is this massive void you feel exist in your life. But if you have accomplished so much, and/or living the life you want, then can we honestly say this is a tragedy. You have people who live their life to the fullest, so their life was full of meaning. My great-grandmother passed away back in 2010. She was born in the year 1914. Now you’re talking a long life. I can’t imagine if I live that long what I would witness. Hence is another reason we aim for longevity. The longer we live, the more we are able to cope with our mortality.

In the end, no one wants to think about the day when they die. It’s final, and the only thing in life that is guaranteed. The eternal aspect creeps people out, yet there is something also so soothing and calming to the mind knowing that hardships and struggles are over. I guess this is why people cling so tight to religion because it gives us that feeling there is more after we leave here; thus making it easier to cope with our own mortality.


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PARENTAL BEHAVIOR: WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH HOW YOU VERBALLY COMMUNICATE RESPECT TO THE OTHER PARENT

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“They see and hear everything, so be careful how you speak.”


For me growing up, I saw my mother and father have disagreements. Not understanding at my age that arguing between adults is normal; especially when children are involved. And the way you communicate those disagreements have a major impact on young kids, all the way into their adulthood. So with that said, how should parents go about channeling their emotions, especially when the kids are in the vicinity? What are key mistakes that adults make when trying to win an argument over the other person? Or not just an argument, but what about the upper hand. Is it always important to win an argument, or is it best sometimes to just walk away? Let’s observe mistakes both men and women make during disagreements.

As it pertains to the man, we make some errors when trying to win over an argument. One of the more common errors is using our ability to go higher in yelling in an argument. Men are physically stronger, we’re known to dominate over the conversation. We take this dominance stance to show that we are the ones in control. It’s this nature driven response, especially if we fill we are losing control of the argument. But the biggest mistake we make is trying to use vulgar language to get our point across. Using expletives, especially calling the mother out of her name, is such a deflating and quick route to take in winning the conversation. But let me remind you, this isn’t a one way street.

On the part of the woman, the clear mistakes that a woman make is number one, belittling the father. Especially, when children are around, it sends a dangerous message that there is a clear lack of respect for the father. It also lets the kid see how they can behave when they get emotional as well. But another clear mistake women make is saying that these are their kids. Removing the father from the equation as if they have no voice in raising kids, just because she gave birth. This also sends a message that you have no real purpose. Just the person who provided the other DNA that the child is endowed with. After that, you don’t have a real duty or obligation, except to be the financial contributor.

Now, as it pertains to the children in the situation, they are watching and listening to both of you. And based on how you two communicate, the children can use this verbal communication to their advantage. And while the parents bicker between the two of them, the kid is able to live their lives how they see fit. Until something bad takes place, and both parents are left with their hands in the air because it’s partly their fault. While they were busy arguing and fighting, there was no guidance in the kid’s life because the two parents wanted to prove each other wrong. In the end, that’s the main reason there needs to be a civil form of communication between parents. Not just for the sake of their relationship, but for the child/children who may be nearby; watching and listening.


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PARENTAL TOUGHNESS: CAN BEING TOO STRICT HURT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KID

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“Structure is good, but too much can be problematic.”


Structure, discipline, and respect; just a few demands that strict parents enforce on their children. You are given a strict time that you are supposed to be home. And if you break that time, you’re not going out anytime soon or ever again for that matter. But my question would be, is there ever a such thing as too strict? Because I witnessed so many of the out-of-control kids coming from the strict homes. And usually they turned-up once they go to college. They lived under the roof of such a strict household, they have a taste of freedom and are now running wild. And what do I mean by turn-up.

When I say turn-up, I mean the type of kids that are sprawled across the campus drunk. The ones who are hooking up with every person in sight. The students that skip classes and if they are present, they’re far from sober. You would think these are the kids who come from homes where there was no structure. But it’s actually the kids who have the structure in the homes. Because there is a difference from having a house of respect and common courtesy, and being a drill instructor. Trying to run your house like a military base can backfire. You might wind-up creating an even bigger bind between you and your child. And here is the problem with the bind.

For example, if you have a daughter, and all you do is tell her who she can’t date, then that’s who might show up at your door steps. It will turn into an action of defiance just to spit you. Now, you may not allow the person at your home, but nonetheless, they’re with your child. So there is apart of you that is with someone you may not approve of. And people in society will be able to see and judge your situation. Which is something that tough parents hate the most. They hate to have people in society being able to say that you were wrong. And that the way you raised your child didn’t work out. But are there other implications behind being too tough? And the answer is yes, there are.

When you and your kid have this relationship that you might see as respect, but is fear in their eyes, they seek approval elsewhere. And no one cares about your child more than you. But once they start going outside of you to other people, they start to receive the wrong information. They aren’t being told what they should hear, but what they want to hear. And then they begin to make vital mistakes in their lives. When in reality, they should be able to come and talk to you. You are the one that gave them life. Yet, their fear of you keeps them at bay. And in the end, that’s what you don’t want. You don’t want fear in children. Because once they fear you, they seek validation outside the household. And that’s when they get into trouble.


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TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”


In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.


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EAT TO YOUR HEART CONTENT: HOW WE BINGE ON DAYS LIKE TODAY AND MEANING BEHIND IT

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“Comfort food is the best food.”


Today is the 4th of July, marking the 241st year that the Declaration of Independence was signed. But this topic today is not about the celebration. Today’s topic is about all the food that will be consumed from cookouts today. We all look forward to the holidays because it gives us an excuse to binge on all the food we want to eat. As a kid growing up, my mother would take my sister and I to the parade. We would sit there until the parade was nearly over, then head to the cookout at a family member’s house. And you can just about guess the food that lined the picnic tables.

I’m talking all kinds of good eating: Catfish, meatballs, fried chicken, baked chicken, pork chops, meatloaf, turkey, honey ham, brats, BBQ ribs, collard greens, macaroni and cheese, cabbage, sweet rolls, black eyed peas, mashed Related imagepotatoes, fried okra, yams, sweet potatoes, corn bread. The meat would be smothered in two to three types of gravy; soda, Kool aid, juice, sweet tea, some brews, and water would be the beverages of choice. And it didn’t stop there, you can’t forget about the desserts: banana pudding, chocolate pies, sweet potato pie, lemon pies, egg pies, German chocolate cake, pound cake, and ice cream.

The above food was the meals my family would consume on this holiday. But now that I am an adult, I don’t look at the holidays the same anymore. Not that they are not important, it’s just that living on my own, cooking on these days are not as special. I could always go to visit family, yet it’s not the same. Now most would say, start your own family. But I am far from ready for a family of my own. I think back to when I was growing up and the meals the family would have together. As time went on, people married, moved away, and some even passed away. Now, it seems far less special as when I was young.

And I guess that’s why these once great times to eat together have changed. There were children that used to fill the premises, and adults as well. But eating as a family, especially on holidays takes on new meanings. That Image result for soul food desserts banana puddingfeeling of being stuffed and sitting back with your pants zipper undone is not quite there anymore. Now the portions have gotten cut down because we have to live after the cookout. Fewer children and more teens who themselves are thinking about moving outside the home town for college. So now, there are middle aged to elderly adults left.

 

 

And in the end, the 4th of July reminds me of the great meals as a child. The firework show, even consuming small portions of leftovers the next day. You know, I never looked at the 4th as an Independence holiday, rather a special day family came together to have a feast.


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